The widow of William Martinez, an Atlanta police officer who died during an extra-marital threesome, was awarded $3 million in a court case surrounding her husband’s death. Doctors agree that would not be enough to wipe the smile off his face.
Detroit Lion Jose Valverde is in trouble a video shows him preparing to throw a spitball. The scandal is still dwarfed by pitcher Ernie “Eww” Gross’s use of his patented shitball.
British PM David Cameron accidentally left his 8-year-old daughter in a country pub this weekend. He tried to avert political fallout by saying it was a national primer in “the trustworthiness off Britain’s rural afternoon-drunk community.”
A Georgia-based chapter of the Ku Klux Klan is trying to join the state’s Adopt-A-Highway program. If the area wasn’t already a filthy stretch of human waste, it soon will be.
Warren Buffet indicated that his company will likely buy more newspaper properties in the coming years. Said the investor, “My kids keep asking for puppies, but papers are so much more adorable.”