Orbitz Worldwide Inc. has found that people who use Apple Inc.’s Mac computers spend as much as 30% more a night on hotels, so the online travel agency is starting to show them different, and sometimes costlier, travel options than Windows visitors see.
—Wall Street Journal
Welcome to Orbitz!
We are proud to announce the arrival of Orbitz Live Assistance and Pricing™ – just turn on your webcam and let a human being guide you through your purchase… all via the internet! We know you have a choice when it comes to online travel agents and we appreciate your business.
When booking your trip, please be advised that the following conditions may affect the relative price of your hotel:
- Date and time
- IP address and connection speed
- Device type – PC, tablet, mobile device – and manufacturer
- Last trip booked through Orbitz
- Trips booked through other Online Travel Agents
- Travel packages purchased including airfare, hotel, and a rental car
- Number of bookmarked websites with luxury travel content
- Recency of visits to financial news and information websites
- The wealth index of your visible surroundings
- The estimated reading level of the last word you used Google to define
- Whether that looks inflamed to the Orbitz Live Assistant™
- How often you are prescribed antibiotics
- Everything you’ve ever purchased using your Walgreens Card
- Why you insist on eating now
- You may be asked to prove that you are wearing pants
- Whether or not pyjamas “count”
- Whether our Orbitz Live Assistant™ judges your masturbation to be “casual,” “vigorous,” or “furious”
- Frequency of “Private Browsing” sessions
- What happened to your sense of shame
- The last time you called your mom
- At their discretion the Orbitz Live Assistant™ may book you a trip home if Orbitz feels it would do you more good than going to Tijuana alone again.
Former pitcher Roger Clemens was acquitted of charges that he lied to congress. The court’s official scorer credited Clemens’ legal team with a save instead of a win.
Actor Shia LaBeouf appears nude in the latest music video from Sigur Ros, though he’s still not showing as much of himself as he did in that episode of “Punk’d”
The case of two Kansas men who escaped from prison in a box truck was upgraded from “Hijink” to “Caper” when they ditched one truck and stole a similar one.
Massachusetts Senator John Kerry will play Mitt Romney for President Obama’s debate preparations, this after Kerry was offered the role of Herman Munster in an upcoming Munsters reboot.
New government reports found that raising a child costs about $235,000, which is a bargain considering how much it costs to hire a stranger to continually disappoint you.
A truck rolled over off of a Kansas highway early Friday morning killing the 23 cows inside. Police on the scene said it was the best impromptu barbecue ever.
The Connecticut man who called 9-1-1 when a local sub-shop messed up his order is getting a sandwich in his honor - areyouserious and getthefuckouttahere on rye.
Steve Langley of North Carolina is trying to set a world record for the largest game of paddle ball. Officials said he already has a lock on America’s Loneliest Man.
A Boston cable company employee rescued a woman from her burning home on Thursday. The service is only offered as a package with premium channels, a land-line, and internet.
Studies from the University of Kansas suggest that you can predict about 90% of a stranger’s personality based on their shoes. Sales of “shoes made of money” have gone through the roof.
A 74-year-old man from Des Plaines, IL had his iPhone stolen in a robbery. Reports suggest the man was trying to check his blood sugar at the time.
The highest Egyptian court ordered that the Parliament be dissolved on Thursday. “Wait,” said President Obama, “Can we do that?”
Sections of Yosemite National Park were closed after geologists declared a “rock risk.” Following suit, the Aviation Administration closed several airports due to “plane risk.”
A homeless man who found $77,000 near a river will be allowed to keep it. The man suggested he had begun work on a screenplay “sort of like Trading Places but with one guy.”
One of Mexico’s most violent drug cartels, Los Zetas, has been laundering money through American horse-racing. The gang’s undoing was the first-place finish of their horse, HeroWin-Place-Show.
Tensions flared at the Euro2012 Soccer Tournament when a series of fights erupted between normally well-mannered armies of hooligans.
Voters in Middleborough, MASS approved a measure that will charge a $20 fine for swearing in public. Sarcasm and facetiousness will get residents sent to bed without dinner.
Jeb Bush made waves with Republicans this week after suggesting that the GOP make room for less extreme members of their party. Grover Norquist made waves with Republicans this week after vowing to rip out Jeb Bush’s still beating heart and eat it raw.
The widow of William Martinez, an Atlanta police officer who died during an extra-marital threesome, was awarded $3 million in a court case surrounding her husband’s death. Doctors agree that would not be enough to wipe the smile off his face.
Detroit Lion Jose Valverde is in trouble a video shows him preparing to throw a spitball. The scandal is still dwarfed by pitcher Ernie “Eww” Gross’s use of his patented shitball.
British PM David Cameron accidentally left his 8-year-old daughter in a country pub this weekend. He tried to avert political fallout by saying it was a national primer in “the trustworthiness off Britain’s rural afternoon-drunk community.”
A Georgia-based chapter of the Ku Klux Klan is trying to join the state’s Adopt-A-Highway program. If the area wasn’t already a filthy stretch of human waste, it soon will be.
Warren Buffet indicated that his company will likely buy more newspaper properties in the coming years. Said the investor, “My kids keep asking for puppies, but papers are so much more adorable.”
Winner of the Preakness and the Kentucky Derby I’ll Have Another was pulled from the Belmont Stakes today after rumors surfaced that the horse had one too many Thursday night.
The 2012 Presidential Race is on pace to be the most expensive ever. Both candidates have made campaign spending a staple of their economic plan.
“America’s Got Talent” contestant Timothy Poe has exaggerated his military service record claims the Minnesota National Guard, who felt it was about time they intervened in a ridiculous public farce.
LeBron James scored 45 points to tie the NBA Finals and 3-3 and force Game 7. American’s haven’t been this excited about basketball since the demise of Slam Ball.
A Missouri woman caught shoplifting at Wal-Mart was later arrested when she began cooking meth in the Loss Prevention holding area. However she did set a world record for fastest time from Bad to Worse.
Best Buy chairman and founder Richard Schulze is leaving the company after 36 years of never being able to find the cable he was looking for.
A Kentucky man took his girlfriend on a hot air balloon ride to propose, but was delayed when the balloon struck a power line. Everyone was in good spirits after the incident except the woman’s parents.
2000 players are suing the NFL for failing to address concerns about brain injuries. The lawsuit states that there was some miscommunication about the risks involved with constantly colliding human bodies.
The first true measurement of the Great Wall of China says the wall is 13,170 miles long, much more than previously though. Chinese officials said they are sticking with “Great.”
Hackers released over 6 million LinkedIn passwords on Wednesday. A surprising number of accounts just used “password” as their password - only more surprising was the number of users whose password was “analbeads69” *
*This joke is based on my days in user support when someone actually used this password and then forgot it and had to call in.